maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
