I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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