You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
