i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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