Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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