Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Blood and glitter go together right?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
