but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
