"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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