My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
