I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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