Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
