Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
