my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
