Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
