He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
