And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
