She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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