the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I will pee on everything he values.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
