thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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