it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
