I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
not ubering you a puppy
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
