It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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