Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
