Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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