Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
