Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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