Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
