so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
