I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
