Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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