I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
