get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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