You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
