Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
