it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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