even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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