There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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