but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
