It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is Oprah even human
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
