Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
