My friends, they love my intelligence
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
