I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I fill condoms, not promises.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
