Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
