having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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