My boss' voice literally gives me gas
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
