so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
