I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
