I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i think i have herpe
just one?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
