I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
