I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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