I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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