i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
